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For Jerry Springer Fans

 OK, Springer fans, here's the latest episode.

"I have a philosophical secret!"

Crowd: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

Jerry: Today's guests are here because they can't agree on fundamental
philosophical principles. I'd like to welcome Todd to the show.

Todd enters from backstage.

Jerry: Hello, Todd.

Todd: Hi, Jerry.

Jerry (reading from card): So, Todd, you're here to tell your girlfriend
something. What is it?

Todd: Well, Jerry, my girlfriend Ursula and I have been going out for three
years now. We did everything together. We were really inseparable.  But then
she discovered post-Marxist political and literary theory, and it's been
nothing but fighting ever since.

Jerry: Why is that?

Todd: You see, Jerry, I'm a traditional Cartesian rationalist. I believe
that the individual self, the "I" or ego is the foundation of all
metaphysics. She, on the other hand, believes that the contemporary self is
a socially constructed, multi-faceted subjectivity reflecting the political
and economic realities of late capitalist consumerist discourse.

Crowd: Ooooohhhh!

Todd: I know! I know! Is that infantile, or what?

Jerry: So what do you want to tell her today?

Todd: I want to tell her that unless she ditches the post-modernism, we're
through. I just can't go on having a relationship with a woman who doesn't
believe I exist.

Jerry: Well, you're going to get your chance. Here's Ursula!  Ursula storms
onstage and charges up to Todd.

Ursula: Patriarchal colonizer!

She slaps him viciously. Todd leaps up, but the security guys pull them
apart before things can go any further.

Ursula: Don't listen to him! Logic is a male hysteria! Rationality equals
oppression and the silencing of marginalized voices!

Todd: The classical methodology of rational dialectic is our only road to
truth! Don't try to deny it!

Ursula: You and your dialectic! That's how it's been through our whole
relationship, Jerry. Mindless repetition of the post-Enlightenment
meta-narrative. "You have to start with radical doubt, Ursula.
Post-structuralism is just classical skeptical thought re-cast in the
language of semiotics, Ursula."

Crowd: Booo! Booo!

Jerry: Well, Ursula, come on. Don't you agree that the roots of contemporary
neo-Leftism simply have to be sought in Enlightenment political philosophy?

Ursula: History is the discourse of powerful centrally located voices
marginalizing and de-scribing the sub-altern!

Todd: See what I have to put up with? Do you know what it's like living with
someone who sees sex as a metaphoric demonstration of the anti-feminist
violence implicit in the discourse of the dominant power structure? It's
terrible. She just lies there and thinks of Andrea Dworkin. That's why we
never do it any more.

Crowd: Wooooo!

Ursula: You liar! Why don't you tell them how you haven't been able to get
it up for the past three months because you couldn't decide if your penis
truly had essential Being, or was simply a manifestation of Mind?

Todd: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Ursula: It's true!

Jerry: Well, I don't think we're going to solve this one right away. Our
next guests are Louis and Tina. And Tina has a little confession to make!
Louis and Tina come onstage. Todd and Ursula continue bickering in the
background.

Jerry: Tina, you are... (reads cards) ... an existentialist, is that right?

Tina: That's right, Jerry. And Louis is, too.

Jerry: And what did you want to tell Louis today?

Tina: Jerry, today I want to tell him...

Jerry: Talk to Louis. Talk to him. Crowd hushes.

Tina: Louis... I've loved you for a long time...

Louis: I love you, too, Tina.

Tina: Louis, you know I agree with you that existence precedes essence, but
well, I just want to tell you I've been reading Nietzsche lately, and I
don't think I can agree with your egalitarian politics anymore.

Crowd: Wooooo! Woooooo!

Louis (shocked and disbelieving): Tina, this is crazy. You know that Sartre
clarified all this way back in the 40's.

Tina: But he didn't take into account Nietzsche's radical critique of
democratic morality, Louis. I'm sorry. I can't ignore the contradiction any
longer!

Louis: You got these ideas from Victor, didn't you? Didn't you?

Tina: Don't you bring up Victor! I only turned to him when I saw you were
seeing that dominatrix! I needed a real man! An Uber-man!

Louis (sobbing): I couldn't help it. It was my burden of freedom. It was too
much!

Jerry: We've got someone here who might have something to add. Bring
out...Victor!

Victor enters. He walks up to Louis and sticks a finger in his face.

Victor: Louis, you're a classic post-Christian intellectual. Weak to the
core!

Louis (through tears): You can kiss my Marxist ass, Reactionary Boy!

Victor: Herd animal!

Louis: Lackey! Louis throws a chair at Victor; they lock horns and wrestle.
The crowd goes wild. After a long struggle, the security guys pry them
apart.

Jerry: Okay, okay. It's time for questions from the audience. Go ahead, sir.

Audience member: Okay, this is for Tina. Tina, I just want to know how you
can call yourself an existentialist, and still agree with Nietzsche's
doctrine of the Ubermensch. Doesn't that imply a belief in intrinsic
essences that is in direct contradiction with the fundamental principles of
existentialism?

Tina: No! No! It doesn't. We can be equal in potential, without being equal
in eventual personal quality. It's a question of Becoming, not Being.

Audience member: That's just disguised essentialism! You're no
existentialist!

Tina: I am so!

Audience member: You're no existentialist!

Tina: I am so an existentialist, bitch!

Ursula stands and interjects. Ursula: What does it [bleep] matter?
Existentialism is just a cover for late capitalist anti-feminism! Look at
how Sartre treated Simone de Beauvoir!

Women in the crowd cheer and stomp.

Tina: [Bleep] you! Fat-ass Foucaultian ho!

Ursula: You only wish you were smart enough to understand Foucault, bitch!

Tina: You the bitch!

Ursula: No, you the bitch!

Tina: Whatever! Whatever!

Jerry: We'll be right back with a final thought! Stay with us! Commercial
break for debt-consolidation loans, ITT Technical Institute, and Psychic
Alliance Hotline.

Jerry: Hi! Welcome back. I just want to thank all our guests for being here,
and say that I hope you're able to work through your differences and find
happiness, if indeed happiness can be extracted from the dismal miasma of
warring primal hormonal impulses we call human relationship. (Turns to the
camera.) Well, we all think philosophy is just fun and games. Semiotics,
deconstruction, Lacanian post-Freudian psychoanalysis, it all seems like
good, clean fun. But when the heart gets involved, all our painfully
acquired metaphysical insights go right out the window, and we're reduced to
battling it out like rutting chimpanzees. It's not pretty. If you're in a
relationship, and differences over the fundamental principles of your
respective subjectivities are making things difficult, maybe it's time to
move on. Find someone new, someone who will accept you and the way your
laughably limited human intelligence chooses to codify and rationalize the
chaos of existence. After all, in the absence of a clear, unquestionable
revelation from God, that's all we're all doing anyway. So remember: take
care of yourselves -- and each other.

Announcer: Be sure to tune in next time, when KKK strippers battle it out
with transvestite omnisexual porn stars! Tomorrow on Springer!
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