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Microsoft Tests Nuclear Device


---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001 16:50:34 -0800 (PST)

                     

MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET OLYMPIA FACILITY 

REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as 
Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a 
secret facility in Washington state. The device, exploded at 
10:55 am PDT (1:55 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with 
talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over 
possible antitrust action. 

"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by 
any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not 
that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears 
shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath 
of nuclear fire." 

Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly 
dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of 
Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it 
was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain 
bike vacation." 

In Washington, President Bush announced the US Government would 
boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely.  Minutes later, the 
President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since 
lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President.  Instead, the 
administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" 
with Microsoft. 

Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test 
justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear 
Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire 
"kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, 
"but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold 
copies of Microsoft Bob." 

Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival 
operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a 
Radioisotope Thermoelectric Generator inside of every Pentium III 
microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS 
written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what 
they deserve." 

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium III microprocessor would 
explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run 
so hot.  The  Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in 
electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should 
finally dispel those stories about cold fusion." 

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in 
California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're 
doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to 
the project.  The development of a delivery system is said to be 
holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at 
the moment." 

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was 
rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about 
deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was 
the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one 
hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product 
a second time."
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